The
clouds grew thicker blanketing the once azure skies. The little light which was
piercing through the black veil during mid-noon was completely cut-off. The
wind swirled and the swished past my ears nearly blowing my hat. The trees
shook violently in unison as if they wanted to say something; screaming out
loud but all in vain. Ducking the mighty winds, slapping my face hard, I
somehow reached my house. It was that part of my life where 'fine' would have been
the most incongruous word to describe it. The weather outside aptly epitomized
my plight. My life was like the dull stygian skies outside. I was hopelessly
hoping for that elusive bloom in my life when all my miseries would come to an
end. The wait was turning out to be longer than I had expected. Facing failure
in every walks of your life can be very crippling even for the most valiant
ones and I was one extraordinarily ordinary human being in such a circumstance.

The
incessant lightening and thunder gave way to heavy rains. It poured like it had
never before as if God himself just burst into tears seeing my pitiful
condition. It was mid march and monsoons were the most unlikely thing. I made
myself a cup of steaming hot coffee and sat in my rear verandah. It was well
shaded with a slanting corrugated roof. Water drops trickled from the roof
edges striking the railing and splitting into smaller ones. I was sitting on my
wooden rocking chair. It was one of the many
antiquated furniture, in my house, in use since the time of my great grand
father. It made a creaking noise as I moved, back and forth, mulling over my
recent past. I was confused to the extent of madness. Thoughts flooded my mind
clashing with each other like the waves of the sea but finally merging into
each other. Last night had been an agonizing one. I wept till my eyes swelled
and went sore. I felt so lonely that I developed a sharp dislike towards
myself. Circumstances had turned me into a weak pessimistic loser. It's always
easy to talk about idealistic virtues like integrity, optimism, tenacity etc.
but exhibiting them during the worst times of your life is very difficult. I
realized it when it stood true in my case. To worsen my state I had no one
behind me to support me through all this; no shoulder to rest my head on. It is
true failures never have any family or friends. They are always left stranded
in the midst of the crossroads; the crossroads of life and death where you
decide whether you want to fight or give up.

I
inverted the cup upside down and jerked it so that the last drops of the coffee
could fall in my mouth. Gazing at the empty cup intently, I rose from my chair
and went inside the house. My house is a single storied mansion resembling late
Victorian architectures. The roofs are sloping and symmetrical with vastly
irregular rooflines made out of bricks. The arched windows and doors are made
of decorated crown glass having wooden panes and linings. The interior is fully
matted with red carpet.

It had
turned dark. The rain had stopped pouring and the clouds had cleared off. The
sky had a purplish tinge and the twinkling stars were so arranged as if the sky
was beautifully attired in a majestic velvet dress studded with sparkling
diamonds. I walked through the hallway, which was dimly
lit giving it an eerie ambience. The hallway is long and narrow connecting the
rear entry to the drawing room. The walls bear several paintings on both the
sides, which made the surroundings look spookier. While walking I recalled the
happy times of my life. My wife, Hope, who was my first and the last love, was
my only support system just as I was hers. We lead a life, which others envied.
I couldn't have asked for more till recently, a month ago, when in an
unfortunate accident I lost her. To add to my bereavement I, unfortunately, came
out alive from that tragedy. It was found out that the brakes of the vehicle had
malfunctioned. And to my utter horror I was suspected to be behind this
conspiracy. My kith and kin turned against me accusing me for the felony of
murder of my wife. It was reported that I deliberately damaged the brakes so as
to make it look as an accident. My presence in the car during the tragedy
furthered corroborated the accusation made on me. Everyone thought I did all
this so that no one could doubt me as the one masterminding the whole thing. An
arrest warrant was issued against me and I was incarcerated for the alleged
murder of my wife. The police first interrogated me and then used physical
force to make me accept the charges I had been indicted of. With the help of my attorney I was bailed
out, on the condition that I was supposed to live in a particular address and
someone was to act as my surety, till my case wasn't decided in the court. If I
violated the above conditions then my bail plea would be forfeited. Meanwhile I
was ousted from my office on the grounds of being involved in egregious and
unlawful activities. I was left, out of work, in a wretched situation. Even my
dear friends lend a deaf ear to my helpless cries abandoning me in the middle
of this crisis.

The flash
of those memories filled my eyes and I suddenly realized that I was weeping
multitudes. I quietly sat on the couch in the drawing room and closed my eyes.
It was dark except for a small orange lamp scarcely lighting the room. The
whole house was empty and the humming sound of the breeze outside could be
distinctly heard. There was an uncanny silence around, making the environment
highly uncomfortable. Suddenly the winds intensified and the sounds became
louder. The strong winds hit the windows swinging them back and forth as they struck
the panes vehemently. The curtains blew violently and soon the lights went out.
It was pitch black everywhere. Nothing was visible. Just when I was about to
get up I heard a sharp noise of shattering of glass from the kitchen. I somehow
managed to reach the kitchen even though nothing was visible. I lit my torch to
find that the one of the exhaust windows had broken. The impact was probably
made at the center of the glass with a sizeable force. The glass had
disintegrated into small needle shaped fragments which were scattered all over
the kitchen floor. I was too tired to clean up the mess so I left it as it was
and instead went and bolted all the doors and windows. I took out my wallet
which carried Hope's photo. I held her picture and stared at it. She was
grinning in that photograph. A momentary smile flashed across my face seeing
her cheerful countenance. Her sparkling beautiful eyes and invigorating smile always
gave me a reason to live.

I was
entranced in her thoughts when the sudden clattering woke me up. All the chairs in the dining hall started to
shake vigorously in an uncontrolled manner. It couldn't have been an earthquake
because everything else seemed still and lifeless. The cacophonous sound sent
shivers up my spine. Everything seemed out of control. I darted upstairs to my
bedroom to grab my revolver. It was a double- action revolver with six
cartridges. With trembling hands I rapidly loaded six bullets and snapped it
back. The revolver was ready to be fired. Gripping it tightly with my right
hand I advanced downstairs putting forth each step with an inexplicable
uncertainty. My face was flushed with fear and my hands turned numb. I held a
torch in my left hand and stealthily walked through the hallway. Everything
came to a sudden halt and there was a grave silence all around the house. As I
neared the dining hall I could hear footsteps as if someone was running around
madly. I hid myself behind a closet near the entrance of the hall in case there
was an intruder in the house. But the hall showed no signs of life. Just as I
was about to come out from behind the closet I heard someone calling out my
name..

"Ray!
How are you?" asked a voice from behind.
It resembled Hope's voice. For a moment my heart stopped beating......

The last three nights have been pretty hectic and traumatizing. However it seems that now things are getting better in my life. My river is undertaking a change of course in a direction I desire it to. I have just discovered a different and completely new outlook to life. An attitude filled with optimism, faith and fearlessness. As my mind weaves out a new definition of life I can feel the sweet music ringing in my ears. The music of life I call it. Thoughts are flooding my mind, clashing with each other dying to get out. I want to burst but I can't, I don't know why? I want to flow but I cannot. Something binds me to myself. It's not in my control. It's strange but I feel that we all are slaves. We are always being ruled by something. We are helpless!
Sometimes I wished I was a machine.Void of feelings.Void of thoughts....
Ah!! I'm confused !